A Dozen Red FLAGS  for Valentine’s Day!!?

Rather than wearing Red Hats to denote a bold acceptance of maturity,  the RED FLAG club idea came to me during a conversation with a friend who was going through a divorce with experiences very similar to my own.    We found that we had both been  blind-sided by  the “loving, romantic words” and mixed messages we were receiving on cards, notes, and verbally – all the while,  being primed by our spouses for an  unexpected  and rather brutal form of departure from the relationship.  (Their methods included the scouting of a new woman who would become enamored by their ardent wooing as we had been.) As we compared our experiences, I began to list the now obvious "Red Flags" that had been present early on - and later in the relationship:

Red Flag #1:  “Coming on Too Strong, Too Soon!” 

Red Flag #2:  Sending flowers , gifts, etc.. lavish gifts, very EARLY in the relationship

Red Flag # 3:   Telling me I’m his “Dream Girl!”  (revealing choice of words, in retrospect – this is a BIG one to watch out for!!)

Red Flag #4 :   Pressing for marriage within 3 months or less

Red Flag #5:    Telling you he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you  (on the same day you find an email to one of his many secret dating sites, attempting a "hookup" with one of the women in his little black "e-book!") 

Red Flag #6:   A "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" personality  (often not revealed until AFTER the marriage ceremony!)

 The “Red FLAGS”   quickly evolved into a whimsical theme for a Valentine’s party, which I hosted for all my friends who had supported me through a devastating year.  That first year during the divorce,  I felt like having some sort of “exorcism”  to bring laughter and love back into my home, which had been filled with tears and negative feelings throughout the separation and divorce period.  The timing  –Valentine’s Day seemed particularly appropriate  (especially since February 14^th was also our wedding anniversary date, which HE chose!)   So  I decided to arm myself with fun and frivolity, while surrounding myself with friends who truly loved me.   Part of the laughter  that evening came from a large bouquet of a dozen Red flags, arranged in a crystal vase as a festive centerpiece.   On each flag, were words and messages  reflecting  the unhealthy, negative behaviors and signs that I had chosen to ignore early in – and later,during the relationship.   Celebrating Valentine's Day this way proved to be  a rather unique and positive healing experience for many who attended.   So, rather than succumbing  to sadness of  not being with your former partner, don't avoid the holiday.  Face it head on -with objectivity and amusement - and host your own "Red Flag" party honoring Valentine's day.   Get a dozen Red flags from a hardware store ( those little red flags that mark the spot of  a construction sites, etc.) – and on each one , take a black sharpie and write whatever “Red Flag” signs you, your friends and/or family may have seen about your former partner -  or about  the relationship - and  just allow the “bouquet” to start growing.    (You may have  only HALF a dozen, some may have TWO dozen, some even more Red Flags!)   Focus on the positive aspects of being OUT of the relationship by surrounding yourself with these tangible reminders and supportive, loving friends.    (This is especially helpful if you are not yet divorced and your partner  begins to send subtle mixed messages,  opening the door for you to be tempted to invite him back in.)  

Also, as you look for the “red flags,”  be sure to also look at those "red flags" that may still reside within yourself,  those unhealthy aspects which which may have invited - and perpetuated that “dance of anger,” jealousy, “ or whatever the predominant theme of that relationship.    Use this as another way of healing those things about yourself that allowed you to enter into – and stay-  in an unhealthy relationship in the first place. (This is the "Imago" that gives self-insight)   So, as you examine the Red Flags, pay attention to what kind of abuse you accepted – and why.)   This self-inventory is all part of YOUR process of clearing and shedding that tendency to repeat the same patterns in future relationships.   I’m not advocating that you stay stuck in the past, ruminating over those past hurts and abuses, to the point where you become bitter – (my blog is called “Better, not Bitter," remember?)   But hindsight is often 20/20 and well …who was it that said,  “He who refuses to look at the past is destined to repeat it!”     

HAPPY VALENTINE’s DAY!!!!  (Oh  - and go ahead and send yourself a dozen RED ROSES also – without the thorns!)  

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