A Dozen Red FLAGS  for Valentine’s Day!!?

Rather than wearing Red Hats to denote a bold acceptance of maturity,  the RED FLAG club idea came to me during a conversation with a friend who was going through a divorce with experiences very similar to my own.    We found that we had both been  blind-sided by  the “loving, romantic words” and mixed messages we were receiving on cards, notes, and verbally – all the while,  being primed by our spouses for an  unexpected  and rather brutal form of departure from the relationship.  (Their methods included the scouting of a new woman who would become enamored by their ardent wooing as we had been.) As we compared our experiences, I began to list the now obvious "Red Flags" that had been present early on - and later in the relationship:

Red Flag #1:  “Coming on Too Strong, Too Soon!” 

Red Flag #2:  Sending flowers , gifts, etc.. lavish gifts, very EARLY in the relationship

Red Flag # 3:   Telling me I’m his “Dream Girl!”  (revealing choice of words, in retrospect – this is a BIG one to watch out for!!)

Red Flag #4 :   Pressing for marriage within 3 months or less

Red Flag #5:    Telling you he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you  (on the same day you find an email to one of his many secret dating sites, attempting a "hookup" with one of the women in his little black "e-book!") 

Red Flag #6:   A "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" personality  (often not revealed until AFTER the marriage ceremony!)

 The “Red FLAGS”   quickly evolved into a whimsical theme for a Valentine’s party, which I hosted for all my friends who had supported me through a devastating year.  That first year during the divorce,  I felt like having some sort of “exorcism”  to bring laughter and love back into my home, which had been filled with tears and negative feelings throughout the separation and divorce period.  The timing  –Valentine’s Day seemed particularly appropriate  (especially since February 14^th was also our wedding anniversary date, which HE chose!)   So  I decided to arm myself with fun and frivolity, while surrounding myself with friends who truly loved me.   Part of the laughter  that evening came from a large bouquet of a dozen Red flags, arranged in a crystal vase as a festive centerpiece.   On each flag, were words and messages  reflecting  the unhealthy, negative behaviors and signs that I had chosen to ignore early in – and later,during the relationship.   Celebrating Valentine's Day this way proved to be  a rather unique and positive healing experience for many who attended.   So, rather than succumbing  to sadness of  not being with your former partner, don't avoid the holiday.  Face it head on -with objectivity and amusement - and host your own "Red Flag" party honoring Valentine's day.   Get a dozen Red flags from a hardware store ( those little red flags that mark the spot of  a construction sites, etc.) – and on each one , take a black sharpie and write whatever “Red Flag” signs you, your friends and/or family may have seen about your former partner -  or about  the relationship - and  just allow the “bouquet” to start growing.    (You may have  only HALF a dozen, some may have TWO dozen, some even more Red Flags!)   Focus on the positive aspects of being OUT of the relationship by surrounding yourself with these tangible reminders and supportive, loving friends.    (This is especially helpful if you are not yet divorced and your partner  begins to send subtle mixed messages,  opening the door for you to be tempted to invite him back in.)  

Also, as you look for the “red flags,”  be sure to also look at those "red flags" that may still reside within yourself,  those unhealthy aspects which which may have invited - and perpetuated that “dance of anger,” jealousy, “ or whatever the predominant theme of that relationship.    Use this as another way of healing those things about yourself that allowed you to enter into – and stay-  in an unhealthy relationship in the first place. (This is the "Imago" that gives self-insight)   So, as you examine the Red Flags, pay attention to what kind of abuse you accepted – and why.)   This self-inventory is all part of YOUR process of clearing and shedding that tendency to repeat the same patterns in future relationships.   I’m not advocating that you stay stuck in the past, ruminating over those past hurts and abuses, to the point where you become bitter – (my blog is called “Better, not Bitter," remember?)   But hindsight is often 20/20 and well …who was it that said,  “He who refuses to look at the past is destined to repeat it!”     

HAPPY VALENTINE’s DAY!!!!  (Oh  - and go ahead and send yourself a dozen RED ROSES also – without the thorns!)  

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If your past (or current) “hurts” from your spouse include harsh, unreasonable and frequent criticism, to the point where you’ve become accustomed to walking on eggshells, you may be recovering from an insidious form of abuse that can be just as damaging as physical abuse.  Understanding the dynamics about what’s really going on in the relationship can free you from the further damage of traumatic, confusing memories that may continue to haunt you after the relationship has ended.   Though there are many books and articles written that offer insights on the subject of  “angry, controlling men  …and the women who love them,” there is another unique perspective that can offer some insight beyond traditional psychology or counseling. 

Certified Imago therapist, Rod Kochtitzky, shared a story about his own fallacies as a husband, in his first marriage, … about how he harshly criticized his wife often, for petty things, delivering the criticism in a pious, judgmental way.  What he later learned –(the hard way)– was that  “criticism is always rooted in projection.”

As he put it, he was “ criticism is advertising our own lost parts and ultimately criticism is self abuse.”  If your partner is overly critical,  whittling away at your self-esteem, it becomes very difficult to respond to that in a healthy way. 

What is the healthy way to respond?   Here it is:  Don’t take the criticism personally.  It doesn't really belong to you; it is about your partner's hurts and fears.” 

Their intense targeting and maligning of your faults, weaknesses or mistakes (whether exaggerated or perceived)  – is often a form of self-loathing.  The more intense and harsh the critical “put-down” or accusation projected at you, the more likely THEY are in denial about their own fallacies (which are often the very ones they are so harshly bashing you about.)    Their judgmental attitudes may really be more about their own inadequacies that they hate in themselves.  If both spouses are open to the unique experience of seeing this “Imago,” they can help each other grow towards wholeness.  If your partner is not willing to explore their own fears and fallacies that may be contributing to issues in the relationship, and they continue to project it all onto you, then it’s time to get out.  Focusing on your own healing process as an individual before jumping into another relationship can be the most powerful thing you can do to prepare yourself for a truly healthy, loving relationship later.   Partners who continually trade in their partners for new ones eventually begin to realize that the same patterns and issues emerge, if they haven’t taken a good look at themselves and continue to project outwardly.    The relationship grows because YOU grow – and is only as healthy as the individuals who keep the commitment to nurture their relationship with each other as well as themselves.

(Check out Rod’s website  - www.rodk.net- for more information on these unique “Imago” workshops)

"Sifting Through the charred remains of my heart.. during the initial shock phase of my divorce...."   I was at a Yoga class one morning,  feeling weak, insecure and "unwanted".... that really yucky, repulsive feeling that you think will never go away, when suddenly I became aware of a particularly pathetic song that kept running through my head. I felt even more vulnerable and saddened when I realized that I had been audibly singing the words to this self-defeating song, over and over without realizing it!  I had been repeating the lyrics, "well, it's crying time again....he's gonna leave you...." (and I COULD tell by that far away look in his eyes!") I was horrified by those pathetic words, determined to stop that subliminal "loser" self-talk (or "self-sing") when, suddenly, I heard another old, familiar song playing in the gym. As I heard, Gloria Gaynor belting out "I Will Survive," I gratefully implanted that melody, those words, into my mind, as the antidote for my previous self-defeating, masochistic theme song! (Google the lyrics to this song, and you'll find yourself humming, & singing happily, even bringing a smile to your face at times - it's incredible and a wonderful way to tap into your existing remaining power. )

 REWRITE YOUR STORY!!