If your past (or current) “hurts” from your spouse include harsh, unreasonable and frequent criticism, to the point where you’ve become accustomed to walking on eggshells, you may be recovering from an insidious form of abuse that can be just as damaging as physical abuse.  Understanding the dynamics about what’s really going on in the relationship can free you from the further damage of traumatic, confusing memories that may continue to haunt you after the relationship has ended.   Though there are many books and articles written that offer insights on the subject of  “angry, controlling men  …and the women who love them,” there is another unique perspective that can offer some insight beyond traditional psychology or counseling. 

Certified Imago therapist, Rod Kochtitzky, shared a story about his own fallacies as a husband, in his first marriage, … about how he harshly criticized his wife often, for petty things, delivering the criticism in a pious, judgmental way.  What he later learned –(the hard way)– was that  “criticism is always rooted in projection.”

As he put it, he was “ criticism is advertising our own lost parts and ultimately criticism is self abuse.”  If your partner is overly critical,  whittling away at your self-esteem, it becomes very difficult to respond to that in a healthy way. 

What is the healthy way to respond?   Here it is:  Don’t take the criticism personally.  It doesn't really belong to you; it is about your partner's hurts and fears.” 

Their intense targeting and maligning of your faults, weaknesses or mistakes (whether exaggerated or perceived)  – is often a form of self-loathing.  The more intense and harsh the critical “put-down” or accusation projected at you, the more likely THEY are in denial about their own fallacies (which are often the very ones they are so harshly bashing you about.)    Their judgmental attitudes may really be more about their own inadequacies that they hate in themselves.  If both spouses are open to the unique experience of seeing this “Imago,” they can help each other grow towards wholeness.  If your partner is not willing to explore their own fears and fallacies that may be contributing to issues in the relationship, and they continue to project it all onto you, then it’s time to get out.  Focusing on your own healing process as an individual before jumping into another relationship can be the most powerful thing you can do to prepare yourself for a truly healthy, loving relationship later.   Partners who continually trade in their partners for new ones eventually begin to realize that the same patterns and issues emerge, if they haven’t taken a good look at themselves and continue to project outwardly.    The relationship grows because YOU grow – and is only as healthy as the individuals who keep the commitment to nurture their relationship with each other as well as themselves.

(Check out Rod’s website  - www.rodk.net- for more information on these unique “Imago” workshops)